God knows the needs and desires of my heart...

We are trying to buy a house- a pretty little house that has this driveway that makes you feel like you are being wrapped up in love.  It's a two story house with a room for each girl... (Although I know they won't all sleep in their own rooms for quite a long time!)  We are struggling with purchasing the home and I am struggling with the nagging question of "is this the plan God has for my family?"  I'm scared and instead of turning to God these past few days, I've actually turned away.  I've stopped asking for his cancel and I'm wondering if it's because I'm afraid he is saying that all the roadblocks are his way of saying he has a different plan.  I wish that God gave clearer answers sometimes!! God is good all the time and all the time, God is good.  The proof is in the pudding.... 

Today is a good day....

I realize that growing up is a part of life... Although I didn't realize how fast the time passes when your kids are growing up!  I'm not ready for my girls to not need me and I already see that happening with Alivia- she is laying out her clothes at night and getting up on her own, getting dressed and ready to go off to school without me.  I'm jealous... Seriously!! I'm jealous and sad that she doesn't need me like she did even three months ago.  I am proud of the young ladies that they are becoming... True disciples of Christ... Loving God with their whole heart... And I hate to say "but" BUT!!!, I wish I could slow time down a little and keep them closer in the fold of our home for awhile longer.  It's a scary world out there and I'm in constant prayer that my Cookies will keep God in their heart and make their relationship with him a priority.  Saying all that, it is a privilege to be a part of their journey and I am amazed at how wonderfully blessed I am with happy and healthy daughters.  Today is a good day... 

Another year bites the dust....

I tend to calculate my years by my birthday- here it is again and honestly, I am SO over it!!! I think adult birthdays are really just for the children in our lives to have extra chocolate cake.  I have wished for peace and quiet for my birthday and yet my house is already a war zone between the girls.  Sheesh!!! Happy almost 40 to me!!

Unfair expectations...

I have unfair and often times unrealistic expectations of my daughters. I tend to expect them to be perfect and for them to know things and do things that are impossible for any four and five year old. I try to relax and go with the flow, but honestly, that is so not my personality. I am an over achiever, semi neurotic, worry wort who can make the smallest issue a much bigger problem! I am a nut case! I really like things to be perfect or to at least appear to be perfect.... Including my precious girls. It isn't always fair and I know that God has a plan for them.... As stated before, I need to step back and pray that Alivia, Audrey, and Adyson have a strong faith in The Lord and then allow HIM to work his will....in myself as well.

Saturday mornings....

It is so nice to have a nice relaxing Saturday with my family! I have had a rough week.... One full of disappointments and struggles.... A week in which I kinda lost faith in everything around me.  It isn't always easy to make everyone around me happy- in fact it is near impossible!  I've tried... Really tried and just when I think it is all okay, someone or something pops up!!!  Grrrrrr....... Right?  I tend to look at my cup as half empty.... It's a personality trait that I'm not overly fond of.... I am trying to turn that around and teach myself and my girls that the only way to really "fix" something is with faith and prayer.  Honestly, I haven't prayed much this week.... I've cried and whined about certain situations but was holding out turning it over to God.  Hasn't been the most effective plan! But-never fails that through his grace, he shows me all that is right with my life- a wonderful and supportive husband, 3 healthy and happy daughters, an extended family who is supportive and loving, as well as great friends!!!  My cup runnth over.....

Friday Morning.... Is there enough coffee??

Not sure what is up with my girls this morning.... everyone (including myself) is in tears!!  Seems like nothing is going to be simple today.  We have made it through two surgeries on two different girls this summer (Adyson with tubes and Audrey with tube removal and adenoids taken out) and Bobby's two wrestling trips... so, yes summer is still as hectic in this household as any other time of the year.  
I try to remember that it isn't right to be jealous of others and what they have compared to what I have... but, this morning I am struggling to maintain that good christian attribute!  I would love to have some of the luxuries that others seem to have.. i.e. vacations and days off from reality! I can't remember the last time that I had only one responsibility... taking care of myself and being in charge of only my happiness.   I realize that this sounds extremely self-centered and selfish, but I would like a day every seven years to be selfish!  
I'm not asking for pity or even an "I know how you feel" - I just felt like putting into words the emotions that seem to be taking over my morning.  I know that my feelings of being overwhelmed is the most likely the problem with all my sweet peas this morning... they are feeding off of my tears and emotions... but, sometimes I just can't help myself :)  So, another cup of coffee and maybe I will stare at the screen saver picture on the computer of the deserted beach!!!  

Inner Beauty....

A dear friend of mine gave me a book of 25 devotionals for women on Mother's day... each devotion is about "Reflecting the beauty of the Lord."  One of my favorites is day 10 "The Finishing Touch- Love" the bible verse is 2 Peter 1:5-7 which reads "Make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perserverance, and to perserverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection, and to mutual affection, love. "
As I was reading this verse, and the devotion which followed, I began to think about teaching my girls the difference between outer and inner beauty.  I decided it was never to early to explain to them the importance of loving themselves and others for what is on the inside and not focusing solely on how a person looks on the outside.  This isn't an easy concept for a 4 year old, and a 3 year old!  But, honestly, it isn't always an easy concept for a 30?? something year old either.  I found myself feeling a little hypocritical trying to convey the concept of inner beauty when it is something that I struggle with daily.  I look in the mirror and am critical of what I see- knowing full well that this is example that I am setting for my daughters. 
What I want for my daughters to understand is that beauty is what you make it... beauty is in the eye of the beholder... beauty is not a possession, but a treasure.  I look around and see so much focus on the outer beauty, but nobody is addressing how ugly the behavior or the attitude is.  I'm concerned that my daughters will try and find themselves in their outer beauty and not focus on the beautiful qualities they have- the beautiful qualities that I see and love.  
In thinking of my girls, I see that Alivia has such a beautiful heart and spirit.  She already has this love for God that amazes me and pushes me to be a better person and her passion for Christ brings me closer to him.  Alivia loves everyone- whether she knows them or not and cares for others in a way that makes them feel loved and special.  Audrey has this wit and charm that makes everyone around her smile.  She radiates happiness and on days that I am at my lowest, her smile can light my darkest mood.  Adyson is just simply love.  She already knows that her head on my shoulder just makes me melt.  She snuggles and smiles at just the right time... making you feel like your the only person in the world. 
I know that as they grow older, life is going to be tough... I remember how hard it was and often times still is to navigate through life.  I wish that I could save them from all the heartaches that I know they will encounter... I'm already dreading the drama that comes from just being a girl!!  My prayer is that they stay true to themselves and to the vaules and principle's we have taught them.  I pray that when they hit a rough spot, the turn to the Lord and to Bobby and I... and I pray that God gives me the right words to say to soothe their troubled hearts. 
Faith, Grace, and Hope

Sleeping Beauty

I am sitting here listening to my sweet Adyson cry in her crib... working really hard at not jumping up and rescuing the poor little abandoned baby girl... working really hard at keeping my own tears at bay! I am attempting to begin the process of her sleeping in her own bed for more than thirty minutes at time... attempting is the operative word.

I have never been the best at the "crying themselves to sleep" theory nor have I been the best at teaching them to self soothe... yes, this could be the reason that I am 0 for 3 when it comes to good sleepers! Bobby and I have said that our lack of sleep is really our fault... we have not taught our girls that it is a good thing to crawl into bed and get a good nights sleep - this is almost amusing because Bobby and I LOVE to sleep... we LOVE sleep... we adore sleep... we are so very PRO SLEEP! I said almost... not so amusing when my eyes are blood shot from the 400 plus nights of being woke up every hour on the hour!

So, how is it that we cannot bear to listen to our girls cry in their crib for even a few minutes before we are jumping up and running into their room? I say "their" room like Adyson's crib isn't pushed right up against our own bed where I can reach for her the minute she starts to whimper during the night.

I realize that this is really my own fear of abandonment... my own fear of letting go of my "babies"... my own insecurities of them not being right next to me all the time. I haven't always been such a worry wort ... well, that isn't entirely accurate! Yes, I have always worried, but not to the extent that I worry over my girls and their well-being and happiness. I find myself going into their rooms and just staring at them -hoping, wishing, and praying that they are healthy, happy, and content. I want for them to find peace in their lives... true honest peace that comes from just being okay with who they are. I'm not sure that I have ever found that... maybe that is the root of the problem!

There... the crying has stopped...for now... my sweet angel has fallen back to sleep...quiet and peaceful....

"Mommy, am I going to heaven?"

Alivia and I were watering the flower garden tonight when she posed this question: "mommy, am I going to heaven?"  Now, she and I have had coversations about heaven before and she has asked similar questions, but tonight she seemed a little more aprehensive about what my answer might be.  Here's the thing... I believe in God with my whole heart and I think one of mine and Bobby's proudest acomplishments is the fact that our girls love God with such an intensity and passion...but, selfishly, I don't want to think about this!  I want for her to feel safe in the fact that heaven is a place of peace and happiness and she will be with our heavenly Father for eternity, but I dont want her to worry about it either.  I am struck by her desire to know God at such an early age and how when she prays, she prays for her sisters and family and then asks God to watch over the people she cares about.  She prays for people she has never met to be safe and for God to take care of those less fortunate.  She has a heart that just loves people and she has never met a stranger... she is truly a walking angel.  So, I took a minute and prayed that God would give me an answer that would meet her needs and that at age 4 she could fully understand.  God answered with this "Of course Alivia... when you die you will go to heaven!  Heaven is a place where flowers bloom everyday, where there are rainbows that never fade and butterflys that land on your nose!  Heaven is a place where God himself gives you hugs and snuggles you close... a place of happiness, smiles, and puppy dog kisses.  God loves you.  Mommy and Daddy love you.  Heaven is a place to look forward too...yes, You are going to heaven.  Because you love Jesus and he lives in your heart, you will go to heaven.  But... Mommy and Daddy want you to stay here with us until it is your turn to go to heaven."  She looked at me and smiled... "Puppy dog kisses?  Mommy, you are so funny!"  She giggled and then gave me hug and then said the most beautiful words "When God wants me with him, I won't be scared... but, right now I am staying home with you."  My sweet beautiful daughter seems to have figured out in her 4.5 years what it has taken me 37 years to understand... God is in control.  God has a plan an it is up to us to turn it over to him... What a lesson my baby girl taught me tonight.  

The true meaning of being a daddy...

I am so thankful that I married a man who understands the true meaning of being a daddy.... Bobby makes me fall in love with him over and over every time I see him with our girls.  He possesses the gentleness and tenderness that it takes to raise three girls.  I know it is mushy, but I think dad's need to be praised for the hard work that it takes to raise a family. 
Today, my sweet husband was working on a roof- not because this is glamorous or he just likes  manual labor, but because he is working to provide for our family.  This is just one of the many things he does that makes him a wonderful father... a daddy to our girls.  He is just as sweet and kind to me as well ... He takes care of all us and never complains.  He comes home with a smile and gives us all hugs and kisses.  He doesn't ask for much, just for us to be happy.  I am very lucky to have married my hero.  I love you Bobby... Thank you for this beautiful life.  xoxo

Brought To Tears....

This morning I sat down to have a much needed cup of coffee and saw the faces of my three little girls.... engrossed in the TV show they were watching... I was suddenly brought to tears!  God spoke to me in this moment... in my heart I heard the words " You are a blessed mom."  Yes, I am ... blessed beyond words.   I know that I am blessed so why am I constantly complaining and worrying about things?  I take for granted the joys like snuggling with my girls on the couch or watching them play and I focus on the worries of my life.  I gripe about the lack of sleep and feel jealousy over other people taking vacations or living in big expensive houses.  I loose sleep over the lack of money in our checking account and how to pay all the bills and I forget that God has never forsaken my family.  Yes, I am blessed but often times I do not bless others.
Lately, I have been thinking about how the gripes and worries must be how the devil gets his "hooks or horns" into my life.  I know that when I am feeling down, I do not share a good Christian attitude.  I can be tense and cranky... difficult to be around- now people who know me are going to laugh at this statement!  This is not a news flash to most!!  I realize though, that the people I really hurt with this attitude are my daughters.  I see my oldest mirroring this behavior and I am shamed that I have taught her how to be a worry wort and take her frustrations out on others. 
Being a Christian mom adds some pressure- I need to model God's Love to my daughters, and God's love isn't something you can fake.  You have to genuinely reach out to others with kindness and compassion and not because you want something in return.  Being a Godly mother means teaching and showing my daughters the rewards of being a Christian.  Praying with them and in front of them... not just telling them to pray... Helping others even when they do not want your help or are thankful for your help... not just saying that they need help and then walking away.  I want for my girls to grow up with the knowledge that God is the one to turn too when your scared and lonely- he never forsakes his children. 
I am honored to be a Christian... honored that with all my faults, God still loves me.  I don't deserve this, but so very thankful for it.  I am also honored that I have these blessings in my life- my faith, grace, and hope...

Time to get started... again!

I fell in love with blogging and then got sidetracked... well, actually we moved and I got pregnant with Adyson!!  Seems that time just continually gets away from me.  I just read this poster on Pintrest that said something to the effect of not forgetting to live while your busy living.  So true!  I started this blogging process for my girls... so they could read and know what was going on in their lives... so, it is time to get started... again!! 
Alivia is quite the DIVA!  She wants to dress up and play with my makeup- she is also very sensitive and willing to give up the things she enjoys to make her sisters happy.  Audrey (Gracie Bell) really capitalizes on this!  Gracie knows that if she screams loud enough and makes enough noise, Alivia will give in.  This worries me!!  I don't want either of them to think this is okay... how do I stop it?  Being a parents is so hard!! Gracie is a fun little girl who is witty and willing to try anything once.  She is a dare devil who scares me on a daily basis!  She is so funny!!  Adyson is everyone's dream baby... except she refuses to take a bottle and is a terrible sleeper!  I decided to nurse Adyson and honestly it has been the best experience, but it is taking a toll on my sleeping!!
All in all, my sweet babies are growing healthy and happy... making everyday a miracle. 

12 Weeks and counting!

Adyson Hope will be arriving in 12 weeks- May 4th! I'm becoming very impatient about her arrival... I'm offically HUGE and miserable. I've reached that stage where I am an ugly pregnant woman- my face is red and blotchey and frankly- I'm just down right ugly! Its a good thing that I don't go anywhere:) I'm also very ready to see Miss Ady's little face and know (see) for myself that she is healthy and okay.

Thank You Tara B.!!

Thank you Tara for posting your blog on face book- I totally forgot about my page...totally forgot how cute Michelle made my blog look...and totally forgot how much I enjoyed "blogging!"
So, I'm using my crackberry for this - who knows how it will turn out!
Going to go back and re-read my old posts... Wonder what I was possibly thinking and doing a whole year ago! That seems like a lifetime!

Easter 2010- Alivia

Sneaking a drink of Mommy's Dr. Pepper!  Alivia Faith- Easter Sunday 2010

Easter 2010 - Audrey

Who could resist this little face?  Easter Sunday, 2010-  she was just plain tuckered out! 

The Never Ending "Whatca Doing?"

So, Alivia is now asking the never ending question..."whatca doing momma?"  It cracks me up that she is so curious, but there are times when she does it to just flat annoy me!  Like this morning... brushing my teeth!  "Whatca doing momma?" she asks... "brushing my teeth, Livi-  what does it look like I am doing?"  "Brushing your teeth?  How come?"  she asks  "So mommy has clean teeth!"   Two minutes later... still brushing my teeth and she asks "Whatcha doing momma?"   Does she not know, not remember, or not understand that I am running late for work and don't have time to answer silly questions!!!  LOL! 
She really is very cute and very funny.  But that is her main problem... she knows that she is cute and funny and well, ridiculously charming.   Just like me... right?? 
Audrey is starting to pull up in the middle of the floor... stand there and then sit right back down.  She can walk- she choses not to!  She is such a funny little girl... with a major attitude and temper.   I swear she is the mirror image of me.  I will admit it without blinking an eye.  She and I are cut from the same cloth.  Her temper is on an even shorter fuse than mine.  She gets so mad so quick that it is actually very funny! 
Both girls doing really well-  growing too quick!  I miss having a snuggle baby... one that just wants her mommy.  Both girls are daddy's girls--  I hate that!  Can't I have just one that adores me and me only? 

The Cake...

There is nothing better than watching your little one dig into her first birthday cake.  I would like to say that she tasted a little bit of it, but I would be lying!  She just kept picking up pieces and throwing it!!  It was so funny! 
We had Brian and Hunter there...Brian's mom made the cakes- Let me say that they (the actual cake and then the tiny cake for Audrey to tear into) were so cute!  The cakes were beautiful!!  I was sure that the cakes would be cute, but was amazed at the quality of the decorating and the taste! 
Tara Burnett and Nelley Kate showed up; The Knoblock family was there- Alivia and Ashlynn were so cute eating cake!; MaryAnn (Maryman, as Alivia says) and Lisa Sanders.  Mimi and Papa were there of course and gave both girls some of the cutest outfits!
We had a great great day!  I am so very in love with my little girls and feel so very blessed to have them.  What a lucky girl I am !!

Audrey's 1st Birthday

Sitting here with mimi and papa the night before Audrey's first birthday--  I can NOT believe that she is a year old.  What a beautiful life I have!  Two beautiful little girls who make the sun shine; a husband who actually still likes me! ( I think!!); and to have my mom and dad drive up to WW for the birthday party tomorrow.  Only thing missing is my baby brother being here.  I sure hope we get to see him soon. 
I will post lots of birthday pictures in the next few days!! 
Happy Birthday my sweet girl:)

Oh What A Feeling!...

What a fantastic feeling to be sitting here knowing that I don't have to get up and get going tomorrow!  I love having a three day weekend ahead of me.  We are making zero plans and that is fine with me... I don't want to feel obligated to do anything or see anyone this weekend. 
I do feel guilty that we are not going to Mass this Easter weekend.  I really don't know how to make that work.  We don't have a nursery at the Catholic church here in WW and I don't know where else we would go to church.  Maybe we should look into going to a different denomonation, but I honestly don't feel welcome here in WW to do that.  I feel so out of touch in this community.  I mean, I work here, I bank here, I shop here,  but I am not a part of this town. 
I wish that we could get into a small town like Shattuck.  Being there yesterday and working with those kids and teachers was such an honor.  Even during a tragedy, I felt at home in that commhunity.  We don't have that feeling here in WW- I am not a part of the "in" crowd.  We will never call WW home and that is a shame- this could have been a great place for us to raise our girls.