Sleeping Beauty

I am sitting here listening to my sweet Adyson cry in her crib... working really hard at not jumping up and rescuing the poor little abandoned baby girl... working really hard at keeping my own tears at bay! I am attempting to begin the process of her sleeping in her own bed for more than thirty minutes at time... attempting is the operative word.

I have never been the best at the "crying themselves to sleep" theory nor have I been the best at teaching them to self soothe... yes, this could be the reason that I am 0 for 3 when it comes to good sleepers! Bobby and I have said that our lack of sleep is really our fault... we have not taught our girls that it is a good thing to crawl into bed and get a good nights sleep - this is almost amusing because Bobby and I LOVE to sleep... we LOVE sleep... we adore sleep... we are so very PRO SLEEP! I said almost... not so amusing when my eyes are blood shot from the 400 plus nights of being woke up every hour on the hour!

So, how is it that we cannot bear to listen to our girls cry in their crib for even a few minutes before we are jumping up and running into their room? I say "their" room like Adyson's crib isn't pushed right up against our own bed where I can reach for her the minute she starts to whimper during the night.

I realize that this is really my own fear of abandonment... my own fear of letting go of my "babies"... my own insecurities of them not being right next to me all the time. I haven't always been such a worry wort ... well, that isn't entirely accurate! Yes, I have always worried, but not to the extent that I worry over my girls and their well-being and happiness. I find myself going into their rooms and just staring at them -hoping, wishing, and praying that they are healthy, happy, and content. I want for them to find peace in their lives... true honest peace that comes from just being okay with who they are. I'm not sure that I have ever found that... maybe that is the root of the problem!

There... the crying has stopped...for now... my sweet angel has fallen back to sleep...quiet and peaceful....

"Mommy, am I going to heaven?"

Alivia and I were watering the flower garden tonight when she posed this question: "mommy, am I going to heaven?"  Now, she and I have had coversations about heaven before and she has asked similar questions, but tonight she seemed a little more aprehensive about what my answer might be.  Here's the thing... I believe in God with my whole heart and I think one of mine and Bobby's proudest acomplishments is the fact that our girls love God with such an intensity and passion...but, selfishly, I don't want to think about this!  I want for her to feel safe in the fact that heaven is a place of peace and happiness and she will be with our heavenly Father for eternity, but I dont want her to worry about it either.  I am struck by her desire to know God at such an early age and how when she prays, she prays for her sisters and family and then asks God to watch over the people she cares about.  She prays for people she has never met to be safe and for God to take care of those less fortunate.  She has a heart that just loves people and she has never met a stranger... she is truly a walking angel.  So, I took a minute and prayed that God would give me an answer that would meet her needs and that at age 4 she could fully understand.  God answered with this "Of course Alivia... when you die you will go to heaven!  Heaven is a place where flowers bloom everyday, where there are rainbows that never fade and butterflys that land on your nose!  Heaven is a place where God himself gives you hugs and snuggles you close... a place of happiness, smiles, and puppy dog kisses.  God loves you.  Mommy and Daddy love you.  Heaven is a place to look forward too...yes, You are going to heaven.  Because you love Jesus and he lives in your heart, you will go to heaven.  But... Mommy and Daddy want you to stay here with us until it is your turn to go to heaven."  She looked at me and smiled... "Puppy dog kisses?  Mommy, you are so funny!"  She giggled and then gave me hug and then said the most beautiful words "When God wants me with him, I won't be scared... but, right now I am staying home with you."  My sweet beautiful daughter seems to have figured out in her 4.5 years what it has taken me 37 years to understand... God is in control.  God has a plan an it is up to us to turn it over to him... What a lesson my baby girl taught me tonight.  

The true meaning of being a daddy...

I am so thankful that I married a man who understands the true meaning of being a daddy.... Bobby makes me fall in love with him over and over every time I see him with our girls.  He possesses the gentleness and tenderness that it takes to raise three girls.  I know it is mushy, but I think dad's need to be praised for the hard work that it takes to raise a family. 
Today, my sweet husband was working on a roof- not because this is glamorous or he just likes  manual labor, but because he is working to provide for our family.  This is just one of the many things he does that makes him a wonderful father... a daddy to our girls.  He is just as sweet and kind to me as well ... He takes care of all us and never complains.  He comes home with a smile and gives us all hugs and kisses.  He doesn't ask for much, just for us to be happy.  I am very lucky to have married my hero.  I love you Bobby... Thank you for this beautiful life.  xoxo

Brought To Tears....

This morning I sat down to have a much needed cup of coffee and saw the faces of my three little girls.... engrossed in the TV show they were watching... I was suddenly brought to tears!  God spoke to me in this moment... in my heart I heard the words " You are a blessed mom."  Yes, I am ... blessed beyond words.   I know that I am blessed so why am I constantly complaining and worrying about things?  I take for granted the joys like snuggling with my girls on the couch or watching them play and I focus on the worries of my life.  I gripe about the lack of sleep and feel jealousy over other people taking vacations or living in big expensive houses.  I loose sleep over the lack of money in our checking account and how to pay all the bills and I forget that God has never forsaken my family.  Yes, I am blessed but often times I do not bless others.
Lately, I have been thinking about how the gripes and worries must be how the devil gets his "hooks or horns" into my life.  I know that when I am feeling down, I do not share a good Christian attitude.  I can be tense and cranky... difficult to be around- now people who know me are going to laugh at this statement!  This is not a news flash to most!!  I realize though, that the people I really hurt with this attitude are my daughters.  I see my oldest mirroring this behavior and I am shamed that I have taught her how to be a worry wort and take her frustrations out on others. 
Being a Christian mom adds some pressure- I need to model God's Love to my daughters, and God's love isn't something you can fake.  You have to genuinely reach out to others with kindness and compassion and not because you want something in return.  Being a Godly mother means teaching and showing my daughters the rewards of being a Christian.  Praying with them and in front of them... not just telling them to pray... Helping others even when they do not want your help or are thankful for your help... not just saying that they need help and then walking away.  I want for my girls to grow up with the knowledge that God is the one to turn too when your scared and lonely- he never forsakes his children. 
I am honored to be a Christian... honored that with all my faults, God still loves me.  I don't deserve this, but so very thankful for it.  I am also honored that I have these blessings in my life- my faith, grace, and hope...